On being annoying

The first time I found out I was annoying was in 4th grade. I was talking about pokemon or something to this girl and she wasn't interested, but I kept pushing and pushing. Finally she yelled at me "You're annoying!" and walked off. Naturally I was peeved at this, so my only response was to show her just how wrong she was by talking her ear off about inane things until she got mad enough to tell the teacher on me. Naturally I assumed it was her fault because she was mad at me for having all these pokemon cards. At recess, as she walked by me and rolled her eyes, I said the b-word. She ran to the teacher and I almost shit my pants. I had made an enemy that day.

I made many more the following years. Every dumb comment, every time I said the same thing over and over and over and over again, every time I yelled for no reason or drew a stupid conclusion, I thought I was funny. I was denying the fact that I was annoying, even when I it was obvious to everyone else. Teachers telling me I needed to work on my "people skills", sad principles staring at me after I'd got in another fight because I wouldn't shut up about a joke I heard, and the endless groans every time I raised my hand in class. I heard over and over, "You're not funny. You think you are, but you're not." I thought they were trying to hurt me by saying these things. I just couldn't understand they were trying to help me. It would be a long and painful road before I would admit to myself who I really was, that I was annoying.

I remember this one time, I met this kid who was born in Germany. I started making jokes about him, really lame jokes. Like for example, he'd say, "I really like x," and I'd reply, "You know who likes x? People from Germany." He chuckled, and I beamed. I was funny! I needed to be funnier by saying this a thousand times. Over and over again. I thought I was making a friend. It wasn't until he punched me in the stomach that I realized that I was not making a friend, but I was doing what I was naturally inclined to do. I was being annoying.

But I think that punch changed me. For the first time I thought, "Maybe it's not them. Maybe I really am annoying." This sliver of doubt opened me up to actually consider that I might be annoying, something I'd been denying in my mind so deeply that I ignored the obvious signs. But I've always been a logical man, and in the end logic won out. I do annoying things. I talk in an annoying manner. I say things that are completely unfunny over and over again until the person I'm taking to wants to rip my face of. I am annoying.

Once I realized that I really was annoying, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could stop pretending to be funny and just be me. I was so happy I started repeating one-liners from a popular TV show to the person sitting next to me. And when they told me to shut up? I wasn't mad at them, or hurt, or even very irked. For I finally knew who I was. I was annoying. And so I didn't shut up. And I will never shut up. Because I am Seth, and I am annoying, and you know what? That's me.

If you guys want to talk about your own discovering-you-were-annoying stories in the comments feel free to. It's always good for more of us to know about each other.